It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
