She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i think i just lost a toe
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
