I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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