I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
