my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
