we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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