Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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