I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
