Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just googled if crying burns calories
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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