I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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