Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You need Xanax blowdarts
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize