Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
