so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
