Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
