You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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