Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
