I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
