she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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