who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
