What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
foreskin is a definite game changer
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
