i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Two words: nipple clamps
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