If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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