Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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