so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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