why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
