I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize