I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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