Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
