I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
