So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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