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If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize