beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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