so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
