Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
