I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
