i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
