I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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