Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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