i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
