The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
