did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
