i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
