Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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