Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
