I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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