i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize