I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
