i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize