walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
