why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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