My room smells like vodka and shame
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
