Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
