Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize