meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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