I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
