i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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