Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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