My liver just broke up with me...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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