I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
