Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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