Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
