Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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