I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
