the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
