Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
