Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
