i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
